In sickness and in health. That’s the traditional vow that couples make when they get married. Maybe some people make a similar type of promise to their pets.
Pets get sick. Plants get sick. People get sick. Some get better. Some don’t.
On Sunday, March 2, at 11:26 p.m. my wife ed away.
Rebecca was my best friend, my Valentine…my beloved wife of 43 years.
It’s surprising how deep grief can go. I’m overwhelmed with sadness and devastated beyond belief.
After two years…of chemotherapy, immunotherapy and radiation therapy, of surgery, excruciating pain, the incredible amount of prescription drugs, and all the fervent prayers, my incredible, loving wife succumbed to the aggressive HER2 Triple-Negative breast cancer. In the end, the cancer ravaged most of her body.
I’m very grateful that she’s not in pain any more. But, boy does it hurt when our grandkids say, “we miss grandma.”
Well-intentioned comments like “It’ll be okay,” or “I know what you’re going through” don’t help me. It wasn’t their spouse that died. It was mine. Uniquely mine.
I know that many people believe that gardening is good for the body and the soul, and can help a person to deal with grieving.
The Mayo Clinic states that “nearly all forms of exercise can reduce stress including gardening. It’s been shown to lighten mood and lower levels of stress and anxiety. It’s very gratifying to plant, tend, harvest and share your own food.”
The process of planting, nurturing and watching something grow can be a powerful therapeutic benefit in healing the emotional wounds caused by the loss of a loved one.
Special plants can provide a certain enjoyment or hold a symbolic meaning. Rebecca was especially fond of roses, their various fragrances, their iconic spiral shapes and their vibrant colors. I had planted 50 of them for her.
She loved the “happy face” sunflowers, the colorful irises, and the tall dignified gladiolus. Her eyes would light up when she watched the fluttering butterflies and hummingbirds. Those were enjoyable memories, which are now more special than ever.
Tending to plants can promote a sense of calm, and be a break from the intensity of grief. Time in the garden can be a way to connect with the outdoors, which can be soothing and restorative. The vivid colors and welcoming scents can often be comforting.
Working in the garden can provide a feeling of purpose and a connection to nature that can be beneficial. Just the fresh air and a little sunshine can be relaxing
In addition to providing a sense of accomplishment, gardening can also provide some peace and tranquility. Focusing on bringing life and beauty to one’s yard can help to quiet the mind and reduce stress and anxiety
To honor the memory of a loved one, some people create a memorial garden or dedicate a space in their yard. It can be a way to provide a sense of continuity. Planting a tree or a favorite flower that holds a special meaning can be ways to keep a loved one’s memory alive and create a lasting tribute.
Finding ways to incorporate memories in your grief garden can also help to cope with the emotional times.
I’ve seen people make a small sign saying that this garden or this flower blooms in honor of their loved one. Remembrance plaques, a butterfly garden, painted rocks, engraved stones and memorial benches are a few ways that can serve as reminders of cherished memories.
If you’re willing to try a small garden of your loved one’s favorite vegetable or herb, or even a fruit tree, keep things simple. You can start a potted garden on your patio or balcony. Or start an herb garden on a window sill or grow a houseplant.
Or stake out a small area of your yard. Start slow. Keep things low maintenance. Forget about perfection. Just take your time.
Those tears are going to fall for a long, long time.
A good friend sent me a poem that in part said: “Tears are not weakness. They are memory made liquid. They carry the weight of words we couldn’t say, the moments we can’t bring back, and the love that still lives in us with nowhere else to go.”
Gardening can be just one small piece of a person’s lengthy healing process. Seeking from family, friends, minister, counselor, exploring new interests or hobbies, volunteering, finding solace in your spiritual beliefs, sharing your feelings and memories of your spouse, and focusing on activities that honor your loved one’s memory can help to build a future of purpose and hope.
Picking out a new plant, ing a Facebook group about gardening, and sharing your harvest with friends, family or neighbors, can all promote the social aspect of gardening and reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Rebecca had a corner of our living room just for enjoying a colorful, blooming plant. Sometimes, it was a single rose, or a bouquet, if I had enough of them. But she also loved African violets, kalanchoes, amaryllis, and orchids. But she always kept a plant of some kind there. I will continue that tradition in her honor.
People process grief in their own way. One thing about the sadness of losing a spouse is that the grief never fully goes away, and the memory of your loved one won’t either.
Those memories will remind me that what hurts this deeply once mattered that much.
Someone once said that grief is the price we pay for love. I’ll let time ease the pain, and let love heal the heart.
I did not go into “rage weeding,” as some people call it. I really didn’t care about the weeds. The enticement of my garden was not enough to challenge me to get out of the house. I‘m not ready yet to take my inner world outside.
Taking care of my wife was my priority…in sickness and in health.
Rebecca, you hold a place in my heart that no one else can touch.
Schmidt is a Poway resident with over 40 years of gardening experience.
